Again, thank you all for your kind messages lately. I’ve read every single one of them and I appreciate your support. It’s difficult to be in a position where you share a lot from your life when something like this happens. I just wanted to disappear but I also think it’s important to share not only the good and happy days. Unfortunately life can be very unfair and I needed a break. The loss of my friend has changed me and it’s something I have to process for a very long time, but I’m blessed with so many good people around me so I will be fine.
A lot have happened lately, as you now know I’ve experienced something extremely tragic and painful. But also something in the total opposite direction, life has given me everything lately. Good and bad. I’ve been thinking a lot on my life and everything around it.Things that happens With you, is it faith or coincidences and what’s meant to be will always find it’s way? I believe most things happens for a reason, and often hard times can be a blessing in disguise. I’m growing, I’m letting go of a lot of things and I’m not looking back. I will let this strengthen me and I’ve realized what I want in life and what I need to do. What I need to do to reach my goals and to be happy. That means big changes in my life, but only good ones and I’ll write more about that later!
And over to my heading, it’s time to announce Ole now isn’t it? I haven’t blogged in a long time and oh my god a lot have happened With United the past month! Ole truly deserves to be our permanent manager and I stood by that even before PSG and felt he had proven what’s needed before that game, which we obviously (🙄😂) was going to lose! That game is probably the most emotional game I’ve ever experienced. I was shaking and I cried my eyes out when Rash sent us trough. Honestly the craziest football experience I’ve had and I get goosebumps just thinking of it. United, with all our injuries, young kids that ran out there for their first time for our time beat f…. PSG! It must be the biggest turnaround in history!
We got a reality check against Arsenal and Wolves but to be honest it had to come. It was a big disappointment to lose against Wolverhampton as it was our only real chance for some silverware this season, so I guess we just have to make it to Madrid and win it there 🤪. But there’s no need to panic, even though our team got some weak spots that has to be strengthened this summer, Ole has done an amazing job and he’s turned things around for sure. The United of Solskjær is the United of Ferguson. It’s the United way, playing with belief, youth, commitment and passion.
I’ve already put champagne in the fridge and I’m sure it’s a matter of when and not if now. We need Solskjær and it will be a big step in the right direction signing him permanent.
International break is finally over- it’s really not the same watching Norway especially not when all you want is to see United rise again so i can’t wait for Saturday and to see United-Watford. The top four race will be crazy so Ole and the guys has to bounce back now and secure another victory!
Det er mange som har tatt kontakt etter min siste Instagram post og jeg må bare si tusen takk. Alt kan virke veldig overfladisk på sosiale medier, og mye er det også, men jeg er helt ærlig når jeg sier at de fleste som følger meg er genuint fine og gode personer. Jeg har fått så mange meldinger om folk som har opplevd det samme og det godt å snakke om ting selv om det gjør utrolig vondt. Jeg er på ingen måte ute etter medlidenhet. Det er kanskje det verste jeg vet og jeg vil mye heller takle ting alene enn å ha for mye pågang. Men jeg kjenner det er godt å skrive. Jeg elsker å skrive, mine sosiale medier er mitt ‘happy place’ , men akkurat nå er ikke livet mitt så hyggelig. Jeg går i gjennom noe som er vanskelig og jeg prøver å skrive litt for at kanskje det hjelper meg litt på vei. Skriving roer meg på en måte og hjelper meg å sortere tankene litt..
Døden er noe jeg aldri helt har forstått. Det er nok kanskje fordi jeg har vært så utrolig heldig og kun opplevd tap når mennesker har vært syke og gamle. Da er det en naturlig gang og en del av livet, slik det skal være på en måte. Men det her sliter jeg med å forstå og det knuser meg.
Jeg har alltid vært ‘flink’ til å putte på et smil om noe er tøft, jeg klarer å blokkere ut ting og sånn sett fungerer det veldig bra jobbmessig. Da går jeg inn i en boble med fullt fokus, jeg har jo ikke annet valg. Men når jeg er ferdig og skal bare være meg så er det veldig vanskelig. Å sette seg ned, sette ord på dette gjør det enda verre og det er forferdelig å skrive at jeg har mistet min eldste og beste venn.
Jeg har aldri opplevd noe som det her før, jeg har mistet en person jeg snakket med hver eneste dag. Vi ringte hverandre flere ganger i uka og jeg tror du er den eneste jeg lo med uansett hva vi snakket om. Du kjente meg 100%, vi hadde absolutt ingen filter. Vi hadde vår egen humor der vi lo av kun ting vi kunne le av, vi hadde noen ‘slagord’ som kun var mellom deg og meg. Min eldste venn, vi har kjent hverandre siden jeg var 16 år! Du måtte kjøpe alkohol til meg og kjøre meg på fester for det nekta foreldrene mine. Og du hentet meg så jeg kom meg trygt hjem. I deg hadde alle en god og genuin venn. Du stilte opp og var alltid ærlig. Du var så morsom, jeg har gått igjennom bilder og ledd og grått om i hverandre. Alle historiene våres, de vil jeg aldri glemme! Du var med på min første tur til Manchester og vi hadde flere turer sammen, du og meg alene i Manchester uten mobil, begge var vi like klumsete og surrete. Begge like dårlig på å finne frem og å holde tia, men det var deg og meg og vi hadde det moro. Du og Kurt ble med meg som støtte og heiagjeng da jeg var i Årets Vi Menn finale og jeg var så sikker på at jeg ikke kom til å vinne så vi bestemte oss heller for å ha det så moro som mulig, vi dro med nesten alle de andre deltagerne på en pub for å se United og mista nesten båten hjem for igjen så glemte vi tid og sted så vi måtte stresse ned til finalen og da jeg vant var det deg jeg løp til og vi klikka sammen i glede. Vi dro sammen til Oslo for å se Vålerenga-United og endte til slutt opp på en bar der folk som liker samme kjønn går, det viste ikke vi og syntes jo alle i Oslo var meget imøtekommende og ga så mange komplimenter til oss, vi hadde det moro helt til du fant ut hvor vi var og du ikke tørte å gå på do! Den historia lo vi mye av i ettertid.. Når jeg skulle hjem tll Toten sto du på stasjonen med en kald øl og flagg. Vi så kamper på Retro og hadde nach hos mamma og pappa. Jeg er så glad vi hadde tid sammen nå i desember da jeg var hjemme, du var alltid velkommen hos oss og mamma vekte oss med ‘hotell frokost’. Du besøkte meg i Oslo i januar og det er kanskje den helga jeg vil huske aller best. Vi hjalp hverandre når vi hadde det tøft, du var en så stor del av livet mitt. Jeg husker jeg sa til dere i desember at jeg var livredd for å miste noen nære, at jeg var så glad i dere at jeg kunne ikke forestille meg at noen av dere skulle bli borte, jeg kunne aldri ha forestilt meg da at det faktisk skulle skje måneder senere…
Du var en så stor del av min hverdag selv om jeg bor i Oslo og du Toten, jeg tar meg fortsatt i å tenke at dette må jeg sende deg på Snapchat for dette er noe du hadde syntes var morsomt. Yndlingsprogrammet vårt var KUG på P4 der vi sendte inn falske kjærlighetserklæringer og vi kjørte livebet på stearinlys når United spilte kjedelig fotball. Vi hadde det så moro sammen og jeg vil savne deg hver eneste dag. Du etterlater et så stort tomrom og det knuser meg å tenke at jeg aldri får det tilbake, at jeg aldri skal få se deg mer. Det er det som er uvirkelig. Det er ikke slik det skulle gå.
I dag er begravelsen og jeg gruer meg så forferdelig, jeg vet faktisk ikke hvordan jeg skal klare det. Men kanskje det vil gjøre ting klarere for meg og at jeg klarer å innse det.
Når livet gir deg slike slag så stopper alt opp. Og det har virkelig fått meg til å forstå hvor dyrebart livet er, og at vi må ta vare på det nå, mens vi er her og har muligheten. Vi må leve mer og elske mer. Aldri ta noe for gitt, det er livet alt for kort til.
Many has reached out and been giving me support after my last post on Instagram and I just have to say thank you. To everyone. Really, you can say social media is superficial, and in many many ways it is- but also you can find support and genuine good loving people there. I’m going trough some very difficult things at the moment and that’s the reason I’ve been so off here and other places.. I just have to try and ease my heart (if that’s a saying or something I’ve made up in my head ha), and writing calms me.
But what I’m writing now breaks my heart. Writing it makes it even more real and I don’t want it to be real. Last weekend my oldest friend died in an accident. I’m devastated, I’ve never felt this kind of pain before and honestly don’t know hoe to deal with it.
How do you pick yourself up after something like this? How do you just move on? I’m very ‘good’ at putting a face on and focus if I need to, when I’m at work I don’t have a choice. I’m pushing it away and go 100% into work modus. But when I’m finished I’m exhausted and I can start crying of everything. I’m blessed with so many good people around me, and I love each one of them and they are all irreplaceable. I’ve lost a person that I’m used to talk to every day. Every day I sent snap stories of what I was doing, we called each other many times during the week and he knew me 100%, we had no filter. I’m really struggling with understanding and realizing he’s not here and around anymore. He will leave a big big empty space, and just thinking of it breaks my heart. I’ve always had problems understanding death and everything around it. Of course I know what death is, you’re gone, dead, not here anymore. But my head just won’t allow me to understand it if that makes sense, I know it will take a very long time to understand that he’s gone forever and nothing will ever be the same.
You was my oldest friend, we have made memories since I was 16 years old! You had to buy me alcohol and drive me to house parties because my parents wouldn’t allow me, you always picked me up and drove me safe home. You were the nicest person. The funniest! We had our own humor only you and me could laugh of, I’m going trough so many situations and are laughing and crying at the same time thinking of everything we did. My first trip to Manchester was with you, we went several times and us two traveling wasn’t the best match, the one clumsier than the other with no sense of time and places! Every time you picked me up at the train station when I was visiting my home place you stood there with a cold beer and the Norwegian flag, we watched games at Retro and had after party at my parents. I’m so glad we had time to do that when I was home in December. You visited me in Oslo in January and we had the best time. We helped each other through tough times with just talking to each other. I remember in December I said to you and my parents that I was terrified of losing someone close, I cried and I would never imagine my fear was going to happen just months later. This isn’t how it was supposed to be.
Life can be unfair. I can’t find a reason why young people should die. That’s also why I’m struggling with understand all of this because it’s just so unfair and tragic.
But it has really opened my eyes, I’ve been having a hard time on a personal level (I shared a bit of it here on my blog in December) and even though things have been hard and at times a nightmare- when it comes to this it doesn’t matter. All other problems seems so small and all I want now is to live more and love more. Life is so fragile and everything can change in a heartbeat. It’s a frightening thought and I’ve had days I’m terrified of losing those I love. But I can’t be like that, I just have to appreciate everything more and take care of what I do got. Right now I feel like I’m in a place between struggle and hope, light and dark, the past and the present. Love and hurt..
I will try and never take anything for granted, I will take more photos, jump first and think second. Always say I love you. Love harder. Love deeper. Life is too short.
Today is the funeral and I don’t understand how I’m going to make it. I’m a wreck, I didn’t knew it was possible to have so many tears but I also know they will be non stop later today. Maybe I will understand more of all this after the funeral, it gets more real when I’m there. My eyes gets flooded just writing and thinking of it, to see my friend in a coffin.. I get sick imagining it. As I said, I have no idea how this will affect me later, I’m a very rational person and can push things away, but I’m also very emotional. All I know is that this loss has changed me. I will forever miss you. I will never forget you and I will think of you every single day.
